Not Out of the Woods and Other Cliche's

One thing I have learned on this journey, is that you are not out of the crisis until you can look back and see that you are making progress in the right direction. We have heard and used many of the cliche's along our journey (at the end of our rope, darkest before the dawn, calm in the midst of the storm, not out of the woods, its not over till its over, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, when it rains it pours, there's nothing to fear but fear itself) and started a few more of our own (sleep is over rated). 

We feel like we have been lost in the woods, wandering aimlessly until Monday when we felt like we were finally walking out of the woods. Monday was the best day we have had in many weeks. Josh is now able to eat solid (non-greasy) food, and has tolerated it well. 

They have weened him off of most of his pain and sleep medication and are watching his heart closely to see if they can begin weening him off of his heart medications.

As I look back over the last two weeks I realize that I have been gripped by a fear; a fear that it was time to say good bye to our 17 year old son. We are not afraid of death, I say that meaning we are confident that there is more to life than what we experience here and now. We all face death, because everyone dies eventually, but what happens after death is what should get more of our attention then we give it.

There are many theories as to what happens after death, and there are many religions that claim to have a way to please God enough to increase the odds to getting to heaven. But there is only one person who claimed to be God, then gave his life to make sure that we could bridge the gap that exists between us and God.

So when I say I am not afraid of Josh dying, I am not afraid of what will happen to him after he dies, I fear the pain we will suffer at losing him. On at least two different occasion over the last few weeks, Josh's health declined to the point were we saw fear in the eyes of the doctors and nurses. We know that Josh is a strong fighter, but when the doctors are afraid, it is easy to worry.

As I began writing this yesterday, the devotions that I read was from 2 Timothy.

⁷ For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
 ⁸ So never be ashamed to tell others about our Lord. And don’t be ashamed of me, either, even though I’m in prison for him. With the strength God gives you, be ready to suffer with me for the sake of the Good News. ⁹ For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time—to show us his grace through Christ Jesus.

There was a point last week when I had reached the end of my rope (to use a cliche) and then I let go, I could not hold on any longer. Watching my son in so much pain, knowing that we still had a long journey in front of us, I didn't have the strength to keep hoping, to keep going; not even one day at a time. I was finished.

I leaned over my son as he moaned in pain, knowing his blood pressure was critically low and I whispered in his ear, "Josh I love you, and it is okay to let go".

In the days that followed I expected the worst, but God had a different plan. I told a friend that we needed a miracle, and then I watched as the God who loves me showed me that He is a God who still does miracles. 

I let go of the rope, but that is when God held on to me. 

Last night Ilene and I sat with Josh and talked. He is tired of be connected to IV lines. He is tired of being confined to bed, and having strangers walk into his room while he is half naked (or more). He is frustrated and the indignities and helplessness of not being able to go to the bathroom without help. 

So as we sat and held him and told him that we loved him and how proud we are of him for enduring these trials, we told him a little of the journey we had walked while he was sleeping. We reminded him that God had a plan for his life, and that there was an audience watching as God showed His grace through his life.

Nothing in our lives is happenstance. Although many of the decisions in our lives are made randomly, God intends to use our lives for a purpose. If we are his children, He wants to show others His grace, His undeserved favor, through the god, the bad and the ugly of our lives. 

If you have not yet become His child, adopted into His family, then He longs to be your Father, to make you His own, making you a prince or princess, so that you can be a part of what He is doing in this world. 

So as I faced my fears and allowed God the freedom to do His will in my adopted sons life, I am beginning to experience the strength that He gives, knowing that there will be more suffering, knowing that as I follow Him, life will not be easy; but also knowing that He has a plan, and that I can trust Him.