What Do You Do When the World is Crashing In

Last night when we arrive here at BSA Josh's vitals were getting worse by the hour. By the time 6 AM arrived, I was getting pretty scared. To be honest I felt like we had tried everything we could and had as many people praying as was possible, but the answer that we were looking for was evading us. At a loss for what to do next I read a passage from Philippians 4.


Philippians is one of my favorite books because Paul encourages the church in Philippi to be joyful, rejoice, count it all joy ... 


And then in the 4th chapter he tells them not to be anxious for anything, but with prayer and petitions, with thanksgiving ...

Let your request be made known to God.


Asking God for what we want is easy, being thankful in all things is not easy.


It is hard to be thankful when ...


We could all finish that statement. Especially if you have walked through difficult challenges in life. We have watched some of you walk through life's shadows and valley's and we have walked with some of you through them. I know that I have stood with you and offered heartfelt words of encouragement. I have quoted scripture to offer hope in a difficult time.


It is to easy to speak words of encouragement, to quote inspiring and memorable words from an emotional distance. Even well meaning, those words can fall far short of giving hope and encouragement. I have spent many hours of my life encouraging and praying for and with friends and church family during difficult times.


I am sorry if I have ever said quaint or memorable words to you in a time of great distress without fully understanding the depth of your need. Busy words can be hollow, comfortless and even offensive. Although well meaning, they can fall short of bringing comfort in a time of need. We each experience life through our own lens, making sense of it based on our experience, our perspective and the things that are important to us.


As I sit and watch Josh gasp for breath, moaning in his sleep from the constant pain, I feel empty, tired from sleepless nights and the strains of not knowing, wanting to hope, to see a sign that things are or will get better; listening carefully in case he wants a sip of water or his pillow readjusted. Hearing the bells, and buzzers going off when the IV runs out, learning to distinguish between which sounds are just annoying and which ones strike fear in the nurses.


Sitting quietly, fearing that Josh will turn and see my tears or the fear behind them and lose hope, trying to give him strength through a quiet face of confidence; even fighting to control the quiver in my voice when he asks a question. I realize that it is one thing to release or let go of something that we value or hold dear, but to have that treasure ripped slowly and mercilessly from our hands is an experience I hope you never experience.


When life is torn from us, when our hope is disappointed, when our power to hold onto the things or people we love is striped away, it is easy to turn towards God and doubt.


It is easy to ask, what kind of God would let this happen?


I have tried to answer that to others that have experienced death and loss, I have even believed that my answer gave some comfort, but I have never been in a place where the question was so personal.


I have asked, petitioned, pleaded, prayed and begged for Josh's healing. I have searched scripture for understanding and instruction, sought counsel for wisdom both spiritually and medically. We have been vulnerable to strangers and received blessing from so many. We have claimed promises, we have read scripture, even laid hands on him in faith, asking both for our will (Josh being healed) and God's will (not yet fully revealed). We have willingly shared our pain in hopes that our journey would give hope to other, even trying to record it as a record to show that God is faithful.


But in my wildest dreams (and nightmares) I never thought that question would have as much meaning to me as it does today. What kind of God would allow people to suffer such pain and discouragement. How can God stand by as His children are subjected to sickness and death.


In fear and helplessness, this morning I asked those questions. Sitting at my sons bed side holding a pale that he is throwing up in, it is hard to be thankful. When I watch as his life slips slowly through my fingers, it is hard to keep fear from gripping my heart and squeezing out any faith or hope.


It was hard to even speak the words when I had to call my wife and tell her that she needed to come to the hospital because our son was not getting any better.


This morning was one of the most difficult mornings of my life. This morning even as I wrote this, I was afraid to even post it for fear of what I was feeling.


This evening as I was getting ready to settle in I read more from Philippians 3 and 4. I was struck by the 20th verse in chapter 3.


 Phil 3: 20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.


And I was reminded that this world is not our home. 


And in it I found the answers to those questions about God. Where is He? How could He let these things happen? 


He is here walking with us, often times carrying us. He has also gone on ahead of us to prepare a place for us, so that when we have finished all that He has for us to do here, we can go home to be with Him.


I do not believe that God is finished with us yet. I hope that God has more for Josh to do here on this earth. But what ever his timeline is, I know that nothing can separate us from God's love.


I know that God loves me and I know that He loves Josh more than I do.